Happy Halloween!

Jumper- ASOS. Shorts - H&M . Necklace- Miss Selfridge . Shoes- Topshop . Bag- Zara . Cuff - ASOS

Hi Everyone, Happy Halloween!

I thought this jumper was very fitting for the occasion with the beaded cross detail, definitely one of my favourite jumpers of the moment! I also got these cute pleated chiffon culottes in H&M last week which i love, they come in cream too so i think they may also have to be a new addition to my wardrobe as well.

I cant begin to tell you how glad i am that its pay day today! Ive been SO poor this last week or so, although i actually lost my bankcard at the weekend which is probably a blessing in disguise to stop me going absolutely mad!

So as promised  here are some photographs of my ghost effort from the weekend, i wore a white dress, white shoes and a white bag and had a floaty white sheet thing for more of a ghost effect!

I love how everyone makes such an effort with their costumes on halloween, my personal favourites were a guy dressed as lady gaga complete with 45 rashers of bacon pinned to him as a meat dress and another guy who had some how managed to turn his face into a half open zip which looked really cool.

Despite coming home minus a purse but up on one fake chin and a couple of unexplained injuries it was a really fun night! let me know what you guys got up to or if your doing anythign fun tonight!

Waiting...

Yesterday I did what h3as so far been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. I hugged and kissed three of my four children, told them I loved them and I would miss them terribly, and then I turned around and I walked away. I don't know when I will see them again.

I really don't remember that I have ever felt so heartbroken or desolate at going away from them... but I cried most of the flight... and of course, it had to be the one flight I've taken in the past 18 months where I didn't have any of my familiar flight staff, so there were lots of questions, which lead to lots more tears, and generally just a miserable flight in general.

Presenting to the Emergency Department in Brisbane was a bit surreal. We weren't kept waiting, the first doctor we got that did the paperwork for our transfer was one that treated Nicola when she was very little, and then we met the oncologist.

And then we started waiting...

And waiting...

And waiting.

24 hours on we are still in some what of a holding pattern.

We have seen the oncologists and we have seen the pain doctors and we have seen the surgeon. We have something of an initial plan... we just have to wait for the timing to be able to get everyone together to make it happen.

Nicola needs to go into theatre. She needs a central line for IV access, as well as biopsies of the primary mass in her pelvis, her bones and her bone marrow and she needs to have nefrostomy bags put in to drain her kidneys because the tumor has occluded her uretera's completely and her kidneys are under pressure.

The bad news is that the tumor is completely unoperable. The sheer size of it and the fact that is impacting on nearly every major organ in her little body means that they cannot safely cut it out.

We have to hope that chemotherapy and radiation can shrink it enough to make surgical removal a viable option.

But we can't start chemo or radiation until we know exactly what kind of cancer it is that we are dealing with. They are fairly confident that it is a rhabdomyosarcoma, but they need to be certain, and they also need to know how far it has spread.

But before we can find any of that out we are waiting for a theater space.

It all seems so absolutely surreal. Three days ago we were talking about taking our first real family holiday, trying to get a few days at the beach with our girls, trying to give them a sense of normalcy. Three days ago we were arguing about money and getting our bills paid, what we wanted for dinner, were the girls eating enough veges, and which way was the best route to drive to do the school run.

Now, our lives have been turned upside down, inside out and back to front and I don't know which way is which any more.

So, we wait for direction. We wait for answers. We wait for hope...

We just keep waiting...

And waiting...

And waiting.

Tweed Shorts

Shorts- H&M . Jumper- H&M . Shoes- Topshop . Jacket- Vintage

So this is what i wore to work yesterday (although the hat was for logistic purposes, i know it was dress down Friday but i think the hat would possibly be taking it too far!).

I love these shorts i picked up in H&M the other day, they are so multifunctional and again one off those pieces that could suit all occasions. Ive kind of dressed them down here with a hat and a leather jacked but they would be great dressed up with a blouse or silk camisole too.

I don't usually get too too excited about Halloween but we're heading out tonight to few parties and Ive decided to go as a ghost... haha i know it sounds like a bit of a cop out but i can promise you i'll style it up a bit and im painting myself/hair white which will be fun :) I will do my best to get some photos for you all!

Anyone else dressing up this weekend? Let me know what your all going as!

Nic

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Preliminary Results.

Nicola had her MRI today. The Oncologists in Brisbane ordered a CT scan of her chest as well while she was under the general anaesthetic.

The results were available very very quickly.

There is very little doubt that it is cancer. The only thing now is that they are unsure of the exact type of cancer. The primary (extremely large) mass in her pelvis is either stemming from, or impacting on, one of the main support muscles next to her spine. Because it could be stemming from muscle they believe it could be a rhabdomyosarcoma, but, because the mass is also located on the left side of the body and impeding her bladder and her bladder function, they believe there is also a possibility of it being a neuroblastoma.

The CT scan showed that in addition to the vascular tissue around her gall bladder and inferior to her liver, she also has clusters of 'sub tumours' in her lungs.

We have flights booked to leave for Brisbane first thing in the morning. The only reason she is not on a plane tonight is because it is too soon after her anaesthetic this afternoon for her to fly.

The team of oncologists are waiting, having reviewed the scans and images, and once we arrive they will talk about a battle plan.

Our one saving grace at the moment, touch wood, seems to be that the primary mass does not seem to be impeded by any major arteries or veins or anything, so it should be largely operable... but again, we won't know any more until we talk to the experts tomorrow.

I have pretty much stopped answering my phone, I can't talk to people at the moment, I am barely able to talk to family and friends. I have seen such an outpouring of love for Nicola in the last 24 hours, it has made me realise how truly lucky we are to have people to support us, to love us and pray for us while we go through this.

To say we are gutted is an understatement. Today I saw my husband cry. Not just a single tear, but great wracking sobs of a man who's heart was breaking. I have never seen that before. I have never seen him display so much raw emotion.

Everything at the moment feels so unbelievably scary. I keep trying to tell myself that this is just another bump in what is going to be the very very long road of Nicola's life, but then little thoughts creep in. Niggling little thoughts that worm their way into my mind, and then I start to cry all over again.

This is my baby.

How are we going to get through this one?

Pray, Hope, Love.

For the last two and a half years, give or take, I have looked back on the day I was given Nicola's diagnosis, and I have often felt like it was about the worst day of my life. My love for my child was never challenged, if anything, it strengthened about a hundred fold in the space of a few words, but with that love came the intense fear.

Fear for my child's future, fear for her well being, for her health, for her safety... fear for her life.

Over the last two years, that fear has slowly subsided and been replaced with a determination that we would not be beaten. We have faced insurmountable battles and we have triumphed, we have challenged the odds and won. Each new victory bought with it a stronger sense of unbeatableness.

Today, I find that feeling of insurmountable unbeatability has not only wavered, but it has been shaken to it's very roots.

Today I was told that my daughter most likely has cancer.

Over the past couple of months she has become more and more irritable and miserable. Over the last two weeks in particular she has started showing signs of bloating and abdominal distention. We saw her paediatrician last Thursday who did some urgent x-rays, suspecting that she had a blockage or impaction in her bowel.

The x-rays showed that there was nothing clearly wrong, so the Doctor ordered an abdominal ultrasound to have a closer look.

The ultrasound today that revealed a rather large mass in her pelvis. The ultrasound report says;

"10.5cm x 9.0cm x 11.0cm solid mass in the pelvis displaying internal vascularity."

They also noted that there is a 2cm solid mass inferior edge of the left lobe of the liver, most likely representative of a node, and solid vascularity material surrounding the gall bladder extending inferior to the liver.

We are scheduled for an MRI tomorrow to find more information but they have told me that she will require surgery regardless because the mass is obstructing the flow of urine into her bladder and her kidneys are moderately obstructed.

We have been told that because of Nicola's over all condition we have been told to assume cancer until they can prove otherwise, which probably won't be until we get to Brisbane and see oncologists for the surgery, and we're not sure when that will be happening, though we believe they are pushing for it to be pretty quick.

All of a sudden I don't feel confident, I don't feel unbeatable, and I certainly don't feel determined or triumphant.

I feel lost, alone and empty. I feel cold and numb.

My baby, my beautiful, sweet, innocent baby, who has already battled through so much, has a monster growing inside her, a horrible, sinister, deadly monster.

I can't fight it. I can't make it go away.

The journey ahead is so intense, and that is just finding out what we are dealing with. At the moment I can't even begin to comprehend dealing with chemo and radiation and all of that.

It all just feels so completely overwhelming, and I can't process it.

All I want is to go to bed, curl up and sleep and wake up with today having never happened.

Instead I will smile and pretend. I will pretend to be strong, I will pretend to be brave. I will pretend that everything is going to be just fine, even though deep down inside my heart is breaking.

I will hide my fears and I will not cry, I will show strength and courage even though I want to run and hide, and beyond all, I will pray, I will hope, and I will love fiercely.

Because other than pray, hope and love, I don't know what else I can do.

Floaty Fur

Fur waistcoat- H&M  . Vest- Topshop Boutique. Skirt- Miss Selfrige . shoes- Topshop . Bag - Vintage

I bought this skirt a while ago but it was amongst a bag of my belongings that i had left at my friend Sam's for months and months. When i finaaaally got round to collecting it there were so any hidden surprises that i had forgotten all about! (some of which i will most likely blog to you all soon).

As you can see i'm stiilll living in the new blue Topshop shoes, and ive come to the conclusion that i also need them in red.... i think my student loan could possibly make a contribution to the cause?! The only thing is, i now have a pretty nasty blister on the top of my foot but its my own fault for wearing them so much!

oHH i also need to clear something up! The jumper dress that im wearing a couple of posts below is by VerO Moda, dont listen to me when i saw VerA moda because that's wrong but thats how i saw it for some reason and therefore how i spell it! Sorry for the confusion. Oh and its available from ASOS. i hope they still have it because a lot of you were e-mailing asking about it, i hope that helps!

Nic

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Red Snake

Jumper-Zara . Shirt underneath- Topshop . Shorts- H&M . Shoes - Topshop . Necklace- Miss Selfridge

Oooh this snake print jumper from Zara was such a good find! Its got a fuzzy kind of texture to it which it makes it seem warmer than it actually is. Its another great item for layering and i laaaav the burgundy red snakeprint, such an autumnal piece!

You might have also noticed that my hair has gotten mysteriously darker over night... it actually stemmed from a toner mishap but i was thinking of going a shade darker for winter anyways. I had been starting to miss my dip dyed locks too so it was a win win situation really!

you might have ALSO noticed my new shoes! i finally got my hands on them after wanting them for aaaages. I saw them a couple of weeks back on the Topshop website but they mysteriously disappeared (i was pretty heartbroken im not going lie). Thankfully they resurfaced on the site last week, i basketed them immediately and theyve barely been off my feet since. I LOVE them.

Hope you've had a fun Monday, I almost got blown away in the wind but thankfully these shoes held me down. My car also broke down which was pretty funny (apart from it making me miss a Sushi date) but its ok, i sat and ate sweets until my dad came to rescue me!

Nic

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Autumn Layers

Jumper- h&m . Jumper dress- VeraModa . T-shirt- AmericanApparel . Shoes- ASOS. Bag- h&m

A bit of layering is great for getting rid of outfit fatigue when you feel like you've worn the same things too many times!

I like to take a few of my favourite pieces and layer them up to create a more refreshing look! I've gone for a bit of a simple vibe using just a few tones and one print but clashing prints work really well too.

Hope you've all had a nice weekend :)

Happy layering people!


Nic

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A Day in the Life of...

A lot of people tell me repeatedly that they can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like...

So after a particularly particular day, I have decided that I would share a few tidbits of my day.

After waking about every hour last night, Nicola decided that a great time to start the day was 5.14am. She wanted up, she wanted out of bed, she wanted a clean nappy, she wanted her medicine and she wanted her milk and she wanted them all in that exact order.

Then she wanted breakfast. We had tried to do some quality family time this morning and we had decided to have barbecued bacon, eggs and potato gems for breakfast. Jessica and Isabella rang Grandma and Grandad and invited them (while I was in the shower, without asking me!) so it turned into a real family affair...

Except Nicola didn't want to be part of it. It was too hot, to bright and just not what she wanted.

So she screamed, so while the rest of the family sat outside, Michael sat inside with Nicola while I cooked and then I sat inside with Nicola while everyone else ate.

We decided to take the girls to the duckponds to have a bit of down time. I normally love the duckponds, it's so relaxing and so inviting! There is usually some shade and a lovely breeze and the big girls have a great time throwing bread (that we buy specially because the ducks like soft bread too!) to the ducks, turtles and fish.

Except Nicola didn't like it. It was too hot, too bright, too noisy and just not what she wanted. So she screamed. The more she screamed the more Alyssa screamed until the ducks all got scared away. So we gave up, packed up and came home, where, despite her protestations that she was tired and wanted to go to bed, she outright refused to sleep.

I turned the blender on to blend her foods, and she screamed.

I turned the tv on for her to watch Wiggles and she screamed.

I put her on the floor with some toys for a play and she screamed.

I put the iPad on for her to play with and she screamed.

I went to the loo and she screamed.

I talked to her sisters and she screamed.

I had so many things I was planning to do today, including mow my yard so my children can play without risking being attacked by a tribe of mysterious pygmy's, and mopping my floor and doing my dishes and trying to tackle the ever rising mountain of washing, but nothing got done.

Why?

Because Nicola screamed.

My day ended with my 5 year old sitting outside on the swing crying because I broke a promise to her.

I promised her that this afternoon we would play soccer together in the yard, but I couldn't, because Nicola screamed.

This has been what a large part of our life is like. She suffers from a mix of chronic idiopathic pain and extreme anxiety, as well as frustration at not being able to express herself and not being able to get involved etc.

I do what I can, but I can't do enough and so she screams. She screams all day, she wakes through the night. We don't sleep, we don't relax, we don't get time off, we don't get a break.

This is what our life is like. It is relentless, but it is done with love.

The Spidey Sense Twang!

I have to say, one thing that has come out of having a child with medically complex special needs is that it well and truly shattered my over re-activeness in parenting!

I don't think I've ever been really bad, I'm definitely not as bad as some... but now I think, at least when it comes to my 'normal' children, I tend to be pretty laid back.

"Really? My kid has a 40 degree fever? Are her toes still twitching? Then she's all good!"

I don't tend to over react a whole lot.

Yet, Nicola almost always sets my spidey sense twanging. I can't even say twinging because it is so much more than a little twinge, it is a great big resonating twang!

Take her most recent little game. She woke last weekend with a bit of a temperature. Nothing too frightening, gave her a bit of panadol and set her down to go about our day... and then it started.

Oh My God! She's vomitting!!

She probably has gastro.

She is really irritable, I wonder if that's something.

She's not sleeping properly. Maybe that's something?

Hang on! Why is she even vomiting? She can't vomit! She's had a fundo!

She's vomiting!

Maybe it's neurological?

She has a shunt, could it be blocked?

Does the shunt look squidgy? (yeah, real medical terms here!)

No, there's no squidginess.

She's vomiting and she has a fever.

She's undone the fundo.

But it presents as possibly neurological...

Hang on! She's undone the fundo!

That fundo was holding down a hernia!

If she's undone the fundo, where is her gut sitting? Does she need surgery for that?

Crap, she's vomitting again and she's screaming and hitting her head...

So surgery for the fundo and if she keeps going this way likely a hernia repair.

She probably needs surgery for the neuro stuff.

I can't see any obvious signs of damage to the shunt or blockage. Maybe it's completely malfunctioning!

Oh God! Should I phone the neuro surgeons and get them to start organizing tests?

I don't know...

Maybe I should phone the paeds?

No, it's a weekend, we have to deal with Emergency and they're useless.

Tomorrow is Monday, I'll hold off and see if we can wait til tomorrow and talk to her paeds.

Oh, never mind, there's the poosplosion! It's just gastro after all!

Mind you, this mental conversation takes place over many hours, but still, it kind of gives you a bit of an idea.

A week later, my spidey sense is still twanging, but for a whole range of different reasons... I've spent ages trying to figure out why I seem to have a permanent headache, I have blamed my children, my husband, too much chocolate, not enough chocolate, too much caffeine, not enough caffeine, heat, sunlight, and a million other things, but it seems that all along, it's just my own spidey sense twanging away in the recesses of my mind, making it's presence always known.

Now if I could just find a way to silence it!!!

Berry Beanie

Jumper- H&M . Shorts- AmericanApparel . Shoes- ASOS (old) . Bag- Topshop

 Yay for hats. I think i spent more days last winter wearing hats than without and i have a feeling it will be the same this year! (If the antarctic conditions of today are anything to go by).

I know im saying how freezing cold it is yet im wearing shorts, which probably doesnt make much sense but there is method in the madness! This could possibly be one of the last days of the year i'll be able to wear them without tights (and just for the record i think i caught frost bite) so is therefore a tribute to bare-legged shorts. BUT im not prepared to entirely discount them yet just in case we have another freak turn in the weather :)

Thank you so so much to those who have already taken the time to quickly answer the three questions in my survey to help with my Uni coursework. For those of you who would still like to do it i'll just post it again... HERE . 

Thanks millions :)

Nic

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Kimono Shirt

Shirt- VeraModa . Top- Topshop . Shorts- Topshop . Shoes- Asos

I neeeed to show you all this shirt kimono i got the other week, I almost bought one at the start of Summer but for some reason changed my mind and regretted it ever since. I'd been looking for everywhere but with all the Autumn clothes in the shops just now it was hard to find, but just as i was giving up hope i came across this one in VeraModa and i love it!

I used to wear these shoes a lot but haven't worn them i a while, they are really high but the platform makes them so so easy to walk in! Unfortunately they're about a year old so i don't think you'll be able to get them now :(

As promised here are a few Q&A's:

-What does your tattoo on your leg say?

It means "strength, love, happiness" and its written in Latin. i did a post a few months ago that kind of explains all of my tattoos in more detail :) here.

-Is your tan natural or do you use fake tan, If so which one?

I was on holiday a few weeks ago so haven't had to fake tan in a while but when i do i use the St Tropez,  i think its more of an intense one- Not the everyday one that builds up. I use the foam instead of the cream, I find it goes on really well and doesn't smell like that horrible fake tan smell (although my boyfriend thinks it smells like biscuits?!)

-Where do you work and what do you study?

Im studying Fashion Management at Uni just now and i really enjoy it! Its got a great balance of classes like Marketing, PR and Advertising to Fashion Construction, Visual Merchandising and Buying. I also work part time for an Oil company where i organise all of their events and work on the website.

-What do you do to stay in shape?

Well... despite having a gym membership i don't go that often (maybe once a week if i have time) but i used to  do (Semi)Professional Trampolining up until i was 19, a lot of people don't know that its an "actual sport" haha but i used to compete loads including the British Nationals :) so luckily i think I'm still kind of in shape from that maybe?! Also never really sit still... I'm always up and about doing things, walking my dog etc. as much as i love watching films i find the cinema a bit of a nightmare situation! I get so fidgety sitting in the same place for 2 hours.

Wow, very long post guys sorry! Ive been getting questions about hair/make-up too but i think il have to save it for another day as this has turned into a bit of a novel and i wouldnt want to bore you :) Thanks so much for your questions and i will answer the rest soon!

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Nic

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Proud Mummy Moment!

This afternoon my 5 year old, Jessica, proved to me how exceptional she truly is.

I decided to get out and mow the back yard to try and keep the damn nut grass at bay. While I was out there, I told Jessica that she was in charge of the babies. She likes to get a bit of responsibility, it makes her feel important, and I like giving her the boost.

I was only outside for maybe about 40 minutes, if that, and I checked on them all several times. They were quite happy watching Dora on tv. But when I came back in after putting the mower away, I couldn't help but smile at the sight that greeted me.

Jessica had decided that Nicola was thirsty and wanted some water... so by herself, she went and got a cup of water, a syringe and a tube. She plugged the tube into Nicola's Mic-Key port, drew up a syringe full of water and started to give her sister water.

Nicola clearly wasn't in the least bit phased by it. I was so proud of Jessica for being so thoughtful and so kind and so considerate, but it didn't end there!

When Nicola signed that she was finished, there was still water in the cup, so Jessica decided that Alyssa was thirsty too!

Naturally, Alyssa was syringe fed too! :D

(Sorry about the dodgy photos! They were snapped on my phone!)

Snow Cardi

Jumper- River Island . Shorts- Topshop . Scarf- H&M . Bag - Concept

 I really needed a new patterned cardigan for this winter but most of the ones I'd seen had too many colours going on in them, Luckily I found this monochromatic Aztec print one in River Island.

I added this Fur stole from H&M to give it more of a wintry feel (also because i was freezing in those shorts!) I love these fur scarves they are so handy and they look great over leather jackets too.

Things are starting to get hectic at Uni but don't worry, i wont neglect you all! Even if i have to do "all night library chic" outfit posts i will.

Keep coming with your questions guys and I'll do a post very soon! :)

Nic

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Blue Fur

Gilet- H&M . T-shirt - Illustrated People . Trousers- Topshop . Shoes- ASOS . Bag- Topshop

Although its faux fur, I did feel a bit awkward wearing this Blue Fur gilet to take my Puppy to the vet this morning, I wasn't sure if it would be frowned upon or not but thankfully there were no disapproving looks!

Just for the record i am totally against the wearing of real fur, having been a vegetarian for many years of my life I'm a friend of the animals so wearing real fur totally freaks me out!

Im really glad i bought this t-shirt, i'm getting loads of wear out of it. I love the its oversized feel and the way its longer at the back, great for throwing on for uni or for coffee dates.

I also thought it was time that i did a bit of a question and answer session :) So if there is anything at all that you would like to ask that I haven't mentioned so far, drop me an e-mail and i will do a post for you all very very soon!

Nic
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Tights!

 

Cardigan- Topshop . Shorts- Topshop . Hat- ASOS . Bag- Vintage . Boots- ASOS

I think its time to come to terms with the fact there will be no more  "tights or no tights" scenarios for a little while now. I don't know what its like everywhere else in the UK but in Scotland it is FREEZING.

I made a little trip to the shops yesterday to stock up on a whole new selection of black opaques, not the most riviting of trips but i did get a nice range of deniers for all occasions! I tend to go through tights at the speed of light and after one outing we're already a man down.

Here are a few tight rescuing techniques i like to use:

1) Spray tights with hairspray as soon as you put them on (reduces risk of rip-age)
2) Paint any emerging rips with clear nail varnish- black also works
3) If the hole is quite big, staple it together with a stapler
4) If you have none of these, embrace the rips and work the shabby chic grunge look.

If any of you have any more tips to bring to the table, please let me know and i'll add them on :)

I also just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your lovely comments and e-mails, i appreciate every single one. Its great to hear your feedback and im just really glad you like reading my blog!

So here's a Sunday treat for you all for being so KIND. I saw him play live last night and he was amazing. Enjoy

Nic
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