Only God Can Understand

Only God Can Understand

My dreams for you are born of faith as I watch you struggle to find your way

They paint a canvas of future hope and the vision of a brighter day

My dreams for you cannot be fulfilled by the efforts of human hands

They are not understood in the earthly realm, only God can understand.

My wish for you is to be the best at whatever you choose to be

To show the world your unselfish love and the joy you bring to me

My wish for you cannot be painted with the words we have at our command

It is not a wish that is made with words, but one that only God can understand.

My prayer for you is to see the world as it was created to be from the start

Filled with love and truth to guide your way as you experience it from your heart

My prayer for you cannot be explained by the greatest minds that fill our land

It is only heard by heavenly ears, for only God can understand.

My love for you does not depend on your abilities or strength to achieve

It is from the deepest part of our souls that our hearts can interweave

My love for you cannot be measured by instruments known to man

It is a love so true that we share in our hearts that only God can understand.

Burgundy Knit

Jumper- NewLook . Shorts- H&M . Stole- NewLook . Shoes- Topshop . Bag- Topshop

HI Everyone,

This isnt actually what i'm wearing today, its actually what i wore the other day but i just didn't have time to blog it! sorreee.

Well i just wanted to show you this burgundy stole i got from... NewLook... i think it was! Its going to be really handy for the party season for adding something extra to an outfit as well as adding a little bit more warmth. (Practicality is one of my biggest justifications for buying things, im really good at it).

I met Rhian from FeFiFo for coffee yesterday and she had a really nice one on in black that she had taken off one of her jackets, it was so nice and glossy and looked amazing. There's nothing worse than scruffy (faux) fur!

Ive also been meaning to post the links to a couple of amazing online stores (hopefully in time for you to get Christmas orders in!) so here you go:

East West - I love love love just about everything on this website?! and they have a sale....

and Moxham - they've been featured in Grazia a couple of times and i think ALL of their pieces are on my Christmas List.

Happy Shopping.

Nic

xxxx

(p.s i just wanted to say THANK YOU for all of your lovely comments and e-mails and tweets! i appreciate every one of them and love hearing from you guys. Especially when you send me links to clothes you think i'd like :) )

Prim and Scruffy

Jacket- Zara . Shorts- Urban Outfitters . Jumper- H&M. Blouse- H&M . Bag- Zara . Shoes- Topshop

Hello everyone,

Here is what i wore to uni today. I started off the morning pretty badly by burning my hand on some boiling hot water and then tripping up the stairs but ten minutes later i found a fiver in my pocket so its aall good!

I love throwing contrasting items of clothing together in one outfit, i started off with this cute blouse under this black jumper and a gold cuff necklace and thought... what can i do to make this look less prim and proper? So i added some ripped high waisted (formerly mens) Levis rolled up shorts and felt waaay more comfortable. Ive had these since i was like 17 and still love them!

Im getting loads of wear out of this jacket too- such a good decision and its really nice and warm BUT i was back in Zara today and as well as seeing that quilted leather i wanted (only one left.... in my size... FATE) I also saw a grey tweed version of this.... help mee!!!

Oh I cant wait to see all of the coverage from the British Fashion Awards tonight too! Very exciting stuff.
Nic

xxxx

Graphic

Gillet- H&M . T-shirt- Topman . Dress (worn as skirt)- NewLook . Bag- Zara . Shoes- Topshop

I dont own a lot of graphic tees (if any) but ive grown pretty attached to this one from Topman, its not actually mine -i stole it- so sadly its only a temporary feature of my wardrobe but maybe i will have to invest in a couple of my own! I think this one is a men's XS but it actually fits really well, not too long and not too boxy.

Ive worn it over that metallic dress (again!) because i love it and cant really stop wearing it, it makes me feel like im going to a Christmas party everyday and that makes me happy.

So last night i bit the bullet and wore that Tuxedo jacket out to a party... and surprise surprise it got dirty! :( booo. Thats a trip to the dry cleaners for me this week! It was worth it though. Apart when it got rained on, that wasnt worth it... and by rain i mean a thunder storm. I got thunder stormed on... in my new jacket :(

Nic

xxxxxxx

White Tuxedo

Jacket- Zara . Shorts- American Apparel . Belt- Warehouse . Lace top- H&M . Bag- Vintage

I love this white Tuxedo Jacket so much, Zara really do have their Tailoring down to a T this season (quite literally)! The only problem im facing so far is the fear of wearing it out anywhere that might involve it getting dirty... or worse... STAINED.

Even thinking about this jacket being in the proximity of mulled wine this Christmas gives the shivers.. haha, am i weird?

I got these shorts three years ago in Vancouver (one of my absolute favourite places ever) although their just from American Apparel so you can pretty much get them anywhere, they still remind me of Canada and all the beautiful places we saw. Its definitely one of my first pitt stops when i graduate.

Hope you're all having a nice weekend.

Nic

xxxxx
p.s i promise i'll try and bring you some smiiiles tomorrow !

My Happy Baby

Today I have seen something that I have not really seen for a long time... I saw my happy baby.

I saw the little girl who smiles cheekily, who dances to Wiggles music, blows kisses to people and plays cheeky games and tricks. I saw the little girl who dissolves into peals of hysterics when her sisters entertain her, the same little girl who waves to strangers... and most importantly, the little girl who says "Mamma" and really wants her mamma.

It turns out that she's been there all along, we just needed to get her pain relief under control, which thanks to an on the ball pain team who aren't afraid to take chances and up the ante, seems to be happening.

The difference in her is nothing short of phenomenal.

She is awake and alert and interactive. She is playing games and communicating. She is laughing and joking.

Today at lunch time I was giving her a bit of chocolate custard after she had her meat and veges and she told me she wanted some in her mouth. I obliged and gave her a few little mouthfuls, but then when I started to put it through her tube again she got agitated and started frantically signing 'more' and pointing to her mouth. As if that wasn't clear enough she was opening her mouth as wide as she could and making 'aaah' sounds.

Even tonight when we were leaving Coles she was smiling and waving to strangers and blowing every one kisses.

She still has moments when she is wracked with pain and so uncomfortable, but now they are coming further and further between. Which is phenomenal, it really is... but it also makes it hard.

It makes it hard to reconcile this bright, happy, sparkling little girl with someone who is going through so much, who is suffering through so much pain and has so much going on inside her little body.

It is starting to become more and more apparent though... her beautiful little blonde curls that took three years to grow in, that I have loved so much as slowly starting to fall out. I have noticed more and more that there are stray strands of beautiful blonde baby curls falling in her wake, and really, it's enough to make me cry.

Soon enough just looking at her will be enough to scream 'I AM A CANCER KID!!'

I guess I should start investing in some funky little hats and bonnets for her! Maybe we will even get her a wig... what do you think??

:D

(P.S. I really wouldn't get her a wig, please don't think I'm quite that daft... it would be too hard to keep it on her head! ;) )

Nostalgia

Dress- Newlook . Leather Blazer- Zara . Sparkly tights- H&M . Bag- Zara . Hat- ASOS

I've been reliving my childhood in these sparkly tights recently. I remember the best thing about the festive season  when i was younger was getting to wear your sparkly tights to the Christmas party, It was always a big decision between gold or silver for me!

Im quite often drawn to clothes that i find nostalgic, is anyone else like that too or am i just a bit of a creep?! First is was the flares that reminded me of Tammy girl then the Dalmatian print and now these. Please some one slap me if i start wearing those shiny sports trousers again! (I really hope im not the only one that used to do that...)

I was in a bit of a rush to get to Uni this morning hence the untied shoes laces, lack of make up and general dishevelled appearance! But its fine, anything goes if you're wearing sparkles on your legs.

Happy Friday Eve!

Nic

xxxx

RAOK & Utter Chaos!

So, today was Nicola's second round of major chemo. The day did not get off to a good start from the beginning!

I overslept which means that we were 25 minutes late getting to the hospital, although when we got there, the most unusual thing happened.

We were just getting into the lift to go up to the Oncology Outpatients when a woman I had never met before stopped us and handed us a ticket for the car park. Apparently she had been given a couple of free exit passes to the carpark and she only needed one, so she gave the other one to us.

It was such a surprise, but such a totally welcome surprise! It was nice to have something nice come our way... especially when the rest of the day went so badly downhill!

After getting to outpatients, we saw Dr Peter really quickly, and then we started to wait...

And we waited...

and waited...

and waited...

6 hours after we got there they FINALLY had her chemo ready to administer.

Because one of the drugs causes damage to the kidneys and the bladder, they have to do 8 hours of intensive IV hydration post chemo, so then we had to wait for a bed on the ward...

And we waited...

and waited...

and waited...

By the time we got to the ward I had one very tired, very cranky, very moody little girl who wanted nothing more than her dinner and her pain relief and her bed... so I got her into bed, I fed her, I settled her down, and then I went to ask for her pain relief... which is when things went from bad to utterly insane!!!

When the resident came around to do the medication chart for Nicola's admission, I told her that the easiest way would be to just copy from the last one. We were only discharged 6 days ago and nothing had changed except the morphine dose which had gone from 7mg twice daily to 8mg twice daily.

Sounds easy right?

Just copy from one piece of paper to another?

Well, you would think so! But apparently someone with a Bachelors Degree in Medicine can't comprehend the simplicity of such a task!

When I asked for Nicola's oxycodone we discovered that instead of being prescribed 2mg every 3 hours as required, she had been prescribed 10 (TEN)mg every three hours!

This is a hard core heavily controlled narcotic drug that has some insane side effects for overdose, including heart attack and respiratory shock... and this doctor bungled her dose?!?!

Out of every medication on her chart, there was ONE that was correct. ONE. Out of well over a dozen!!

To say that I was furious is an understatement. I am trying to work out how the hell such a monumental screw up could happen... and what scares me even more is that if it wasn't for the fact that we picked it up, there is no guarantee that anyone else would have! I mean, sure, you would think that a nurse would question such an extreme dose for such a high child, but mistakes do happen... we see it in the media all the time!

The whole thing just left me so totally, completely and utterly livid at the whole thing!

Complaints have now been filed and the charts have been rewritten correctly... but still...

:@

Shimmery Silver

Dress(worn as skirt)- NewLook . Jumper- Urban Outfitters . Scarf- AllSaints . Bag- Topshop



 Im loving this metallic silver dress i got the other day, apart from being drawn to the shimmery fabric i love that it has all these tiny little pleats around it and a slightly scalloped edge. I cant wait to wear it on its own for some festivities soon as well :)

I got this scarf from AllSaints a year ago and its been such a saviour every winter! When it first came into the shop we weren't sure if it was meant to be a throw, a shawl or a scarf because its made of quite a tough fabric but in the end it turned out to be a scarf (i reckon i would have bought it either way) Theres so much fabric to it so its ridiculously warm, maybe thee warmest scarf ive ever worn? bold statement !

Sorry if im looking pretty vacant in these photos! Im not sure if its down to the fact i have no mascara on or the fact that ive been up at 6am every day this week but either way i think i need to stick some cucumbers on my eyes and have an early night!

Nic

xxxx

Our Last Down Day...

And tomorrow the fun begins!

Tomorrow is Nicola's second big round of chemo and hopefully we get to head 'home home' a few days later, so today was our last big huzzah as a family, enjoying some down time on our big adventure.

We packed the girls up and went over to Southbank and took them on the 'fairies wheel'. (OMG! $45 just to get on?!?!) They loved it! They all did, even Nicola!

We went to grab some lunch, which ended up being fraught with tears after one of the stinky ibis birds stole Jessica's fish right out of her hands!

Nicola enjoying a piece of pizza she stole from Isabella.

But in the end we enjoyed a meal out and then took them to Southbank to have a paddle in the pretend beach.

To start with I wasn't going to put Nicola in the water, we were just sitting up on the side watching as the big girls ran crazy and splashed in the water, but then I decided to stand Nicola up and see how she went with her feet squishing in the sand. But within about five second she was reaching down trying to get to the water to splash, so I sat her down and let her have a bit of a play.

She absolutely loved it! I have never seen her react in such a way to being in the water. Normally if you put her in the bath she freaks out and cries until you take her out, but today she was splashing and playing and really loving every second of it!

They all did!

Blowing kisses for the camera!

Heartbreak. :(

Today the most horrible thing happened...

We have been having an ongoing fight with the hospital over finding Nicola a surgery spot to have her port revised. The problem we have is that if they can't get her a place this week, then we are going to find ourselves stuck down here for another three weeks.

Which is just going to cause so many problems! We need to find somewhere else to stay because we can't stay here indefinitely, we are on very limited finances because this is all so very very expensive...

So when they told me this afternoon that the earliest theater slot they could get her was next Wednesday, I broke down and started crying, mainly from frustration and stress.

At which point my beautiful little four year old Isabella came out, hugged me, and said "Mummy, if Nicola dies, I am going to be very sad."

Honestly, you could have knocked me over with a light breeze. My heart just stopped. We have tried so hard to shield them from the reality of Nicola's diagnosis, and have made it very clear that no one is to even hint at the fact that Nicola might die, because I didn't want them to deal with that level of stress.

Apparently I didn't try hard enough.

I asked her where she got that idea from, and she told me Jessica told her. Where Jessica got it from, I have no idea, she won't tell me... but for some unknown amount of time she has been harbouring this fear that her baby sister is going to die, and she has been trying to protect me by not telling me about it.

Well that set me off all over again... between tears I was trying to explain to them how Nicola is very sick and how the tumor in her tummy that we have talked about is making her very very sick, but the doctors are giving her special medicine called chemo to try and make her better.

I am so out of my league here... I honestly don't know what to do. My first instinct is to shield them, to lie to them and promise them that everything will be OK and that Nicola will be just fine, but what if it isn't?

Being realistic, statistics are not on our side. They are stacked so highly against her that some hours it seems utterly insurmountable... yet how can I put that kind of stress, that kind of fear and heartache on two little girls who are still little more than babies themselves?

I spoke to our social worker back home who has said she will look into some counselling options for them, but until then, we just have to wait it out...

But at least now I understand their odd behaviour and their tempers and mood swings!

:'(

A World of Dreams

Nicola is a Wiggles fanatic.

Really, we have probably passed fanatical and are moving well into the territory of psychopathical!

So, with some love from family, we were given the chance to take the girls to Dreamworld today.

I thought Jessica and Isabella were excited about it until Nicola saw Wiggles World... well, then it was all over.

There was a live Dorothy the Dinosaur show, with Dorothy, Waggs the Dog and Captain Feathersword. We arrived late so we had to stay at the back of the room, but as soon as Nicola realised what was going on she started clapping and dancing in her chair and going completely insane!

One of the Dreamworld photographers saw her going crazy at the back of the room and kept pointing her out to the other staff and making that 'oh look at her! Isn't that adorable?!' face in Nicola's direction.

Then, as soon as the show finished, they pulled us aside and set Nicola up on the stage so she could get photos done with the cast.

To say she was excited about the proceedings is a complete understatement! The look on her face when she realised that she was face to face with Captain Feathersword is nothing short of priceless!

Eventually we managed to prise her away from so much super star attention and we got her onto the Dorothy Tea Cups and the Wiggles Big Red Car ride.

In all, more than half our day was spent in Wiggles World before the call for food got too much and we had to tear her away to feed her.

Even Jessica and Isabella had a great day, they went on ride after ride, and Jessica came home very proud to announce that she went on all the fast rides and didn't get scared once! And Isabella only got a little bit scared!

All in all I think a great day was had by all, definitely not one that will be forgotten any time soon!

A Little Bit of Normalcy!

So, after a very hectic and stressful three weeks, tonight we have our baby girl 'home' with us.

'Home', for the moment, is staying with a friend who has been kind enough to open his apartment to our large, noisy and overwhelming family.

So tonight, I sit at his kitchen table, looking out over the Brisbane River, Southbank, and the Treasury Casino, watching all four of my children interact happily for the first time in over a month.

To say that this is bliss is an understatement. This is the epitome of happiness. It is simple, uneventful family life, and I am utterly loving it!

Unfortunately I know that this is going to be very shortlived. At the very latest we know that she has to go back in for her big chemo on Thursday and that requires an overnight admission for 8 hours of intense hydration afterwards. We also know that she is waiting for a surgery slot to have her port revised because it isn't working properly... so we can get a phone call basically at any moment telling us that we have to take her back in.

With that in mind, knowing that we have this weekend free and clear, I am determined to make the most of it! Tomorrow we are going shopping. Not for anything exciting or interesting or specific, but just to spend some time wandering aimlessly around the stores, which is something that Nicola loves!

Then, if all goes according to plan, on Sunday we have a special surprise for our girls!

But regardless, we are going to make the most of it while we can!

The View.

Creased

Shirt- H&M . Blazer- Zara . Skirt- H&M . Hat- ASOS. Bag- Topshop . Rings- B&Q

Goodness only knows how this shirt got so creased! It had literally just come straight off the hanger. Its actually got a metallic kind of shimmery effect to it but you cant see it to well here. I love it, creases and everything -its all part of the charm!

These were actually my second pair of tights of the morning, JUST as i was about to leave the house for Uni my dog decided to jump up and paw at my legs- and because these are really thin it was snag and ladder central!

A lot of you have been emailing to ask what kind of tights i wear, its 15 denier and they are my absolute favs'. Its the little things :) You get like 5 in a pack for £5 or something which is amazing too so its not such a big deal if they rip!

This is also my first ever attempt at a tweed blazer, i've always thought they were far too preppy for me but this one has a leather collar which gives it more of an edge and i have to say ive been living in it recently! Another Zara favourite :)

Oh did any of you guys manage to get any Versace for H&M today? I tried on the website but it was an absolute niiightmare! So i gave up... Ive also heard that theyre delivery service takes ages, orders placed today wont arrive until like mid December?! whaaaat. That would be so annoying!

Happy Friday Eve!

Nic

xxxx

Oh i forgot to say the rings im wearing are actually copper bits of pipe that I found in B&Q, i love hardware as accessories! Im thinking its the next big thing?!

Copper

Here's a sneak preview of this amazing copper head band by Rosie Sudgen.... More pics to come!

Nic
xxxxx

Leather sleeves

Jacket - Zara . Skirt- Zara . Shoes- Aldo. Bag- Zara . Necklace- H&M

Just a quick post today as i have a another presentation at Uni tomorrow that i need to put some finishing touches too! Im sensing a late night...

Anyways so this is what i wore today, i had a meeting with my supervisor at Uni for my dissertation so didn't want to show up looking scruffy. Oh and this is my new jacket :) Its so perfect and it fits so well! I tried to find it for you guys on the website but i couldn't see it..although there are a few other ones i really like so definitely have a look.

 Robyn  showed me this one from ASOS as well which is a similar design, i really like it too! Oh and thank you to Sara who helped me identify the quilted jacket in question! It was from Miss Selfridge,  and thanks so much to everyone else who helped me out too :) i love you guys!

Nic
xxxxx

(p.s. the accidental photos are always the best)

Clashing Prints

Jacket- Vintage. Trousers- Topshop . Vest- Vintage. Blouse- Topshop. Bag- Topshop

Im still loving these flares, mostly for the fact that they make me look taller than i actually am but also because they re a nice breath of fresh air from all the skinny jeans and leggings that are everywhere.

Im also partial to a bit of mixing/clashing prints  too just now and i think these blue florals compliment the  snakeprint perfectly. Its quite funny, when i was younger i used to think that wearing blue and black was thee ultimate fashion crime! But now i wear them together all the time- almost a daily basis!

So you'l also be pleased to hear that i went back and bought that coat, so much instant happiness from that one transaction i dont know why i was even contemplating it! Pictures coming soon. Actually talking of jackets, i saw this kind of structured, quilted slightly cropped number one day when i was out shopping and was half considering it, then a few days later i saw someone wearing it and decided i really wanted it but cant remember where i saw it! so annoying! anyone know which jacket im talking about? help mee!

Nic
xxxxx

Pilgrim Parka

Jacket- AllSaints . Shorts- Topshop . Jumper- Zara . Shoes- Topshop . Bag- Topshop



So here's the jacket i was talking about in an earlier post, its probably the most practical jacket i own but at the same time one of the coolest too. Its got a jersey inside layer that buttons up separately at the hood which make it ten times warmer and amazing in the rain/snow!

Its also got that look about it where even though its brand new it has that cool worn and distressed vibe that takes years to achieve naturally. That's basically one of the many reasons i love All Saints clothing so much too, all of  their items have so much character.

Here it is all close up and pretty:

You can perv on it and zoom in from all angles HERE.

Thank you for all of your jacket suggestions, there were some great finds, i think i have now found the PERFECT solution to my tailored jacket problems. It was one of those items that when you see it hanging up you think oh thats cool, but then you try it on and it just so happens to go with everything you are wearing at that moment in time and therefore becomes an absolute essential item!... Ive got it on hold until the end of today so watch this space :)

Nic

xxxxx