Aqua

Dress- Aqua Couture. Shoes- Zara. Bag- Zara. Necklace- Gift

As promised, here is the dress i wore last Thursday for the Burns night.I love the structure of this dress, its amazing and fits to well! The fringing is also detachable which is a major plus meaning it also doubles up as the perfect little black dress :)

Aqua is definitely one of my go to brands for evening wear, you'll always get something different that fits well. It also comes in a shorter length which is really cute too but of course i had to go for the more dramatic and impractical look :)

Im loving being back to uni just now, i probably wont be saying that in a couple of weeks though- its about to get stressful!  A lot of you have been asking about my course, Im in my fourth year of studying Fashion Management at RGU and have really enjoyed it. For more information on the course or entry requirements click here.

Nic

xxx

Airtex

Top-ASOS. Skirt- H&M. Bag- Zara. Shoes- Topshop

Hi guys,

Here is another little top i got from ASOS the other day. Its a really lightweight airtex material- a fabric that i fell in love with again after seeing Alexander Wang's SS 12 collection. I love the neon piping too, just enough colour without being too over powering and it doubles up as a nicely top for the gym- EFFICIENT. You can find it here!

The Burns night went really well on Thursday and the dress fitted perfectly! Pictures coming soon :) Hope you are all having a nice weekend, im back to Uni on Monday so seriously need to get some reading done! Its just over two months until i have to hand my dissertation in eeeeeeek. I may possibly need your help with a few little questionnaires but i'll tell you more about that later!

Thanks again for all of your comments recently, i really appreciate it.

Nic
xxxxx

Ooooh Floral

Trousers- ASOS. Top- Zara. Silver cuff- KG .Shoes- Topshop. Bag- Zara

I love these ASOS trousers so much, Ive barely taken them off since i've got them . Possibly a tiiiiny bit summery for the antarctic conditions we're currently experiencing in Scotland but thats ok! AND even better they come in petite, curve and maternity sizes too! Mine are size 4 petite but im the size of a borrower so they fit ok. Find them HERE   :)

I got this top a while back and its had a fair few outings but i think this is the first time i've blogged it! It came in black as well which i was highly tempted by but i'm being such a poor student right now. I need to win the lottery or something (It would probably help if i actually played it though....)

Oh I finally found a dress for this burns night on Thursday by the way! It arrived today but i havent tried it on yet... fingers crossed it fits right!

Thank you all for your lovely comments and e-mails of support recently :) i've been to the doctors today about the crash and luckily i've escaped with some whiplash and thats all.

Here you go have some Beyonce :)

Nic
xxxx

Top- ASOS . Trousers- All Saints. Bag- Zara. Shoes- Topshop

Hi guys, happy Sunday! Hope you've had a good one.

Here's what i'm wearing today, although its been a pretty unproductive ! We went out to celebrate my birthday last night and judging by my hangover we had FAR too much fun.

Anyways, i saw this top on ASOS and was drawn to it straight away. It kind of reminds me of an American football top, its got a cool sports luxe vibe to it. You can find it here  :)

I had a huuuge ASOS trawl the other day as i have a Burns night on Thursday and need to find a dress for it! I ended up buying lots of nice things, unfortunately none of these things were a pretty Burn's night dress so i am still on the hunt!

Hope you've all had a good weekend :) i'm definitely having a duvet and Haribo afternoon.

Nic

xxxx

Chiffon Yellow

Shorts- c/o China Doll Boutique. Top- DIY . Belt-Vintage . Shoes- Zara. Bag- Zara

Hi Everyone,

I know its still only January and i'm looking awfully summery, but I'm loving yellow just now. I think we're going to be seeing a lot of it for Spring/Summer 12 so got my hands on these shorts from China Doll Boutique a little early in preparation :) you can find them here!


Believe it or not but these photos were taken only a couple of hours before crashing my car into a 21 tonne truck that was coming round the corner on the wrong side of a country road. Words cant describe how lucky i feel to be sitting here writing this just now. The cars destroyed but luckily i escaped with a bit of a bash to the head, some whiplash and a massiiiive scare. Things like that really put things into perspective for you and makes you appreciate life so much more.

Anyways, i guess what im trying to say is don't take anything for granted. You never know what could happen next.

Nic

xxxx

Strength.

Strength:

noun \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\

1: The quality or state of being strong


Strong:

adj \ˈstrȯŋ\

2: Having moral or intellectual power
13: Not easily upset

*******************************************************

"Look how strong you are?"

"You are stronger than you think!"

"You're strong enough to cope with anything."

*******************************************************

There seems to be this general understanding between everyone else that I have this unending source of strength, that I am so strong and I can get through anything.

I really don't know where these ideas come from, I guess the only thing I can think is that these people don't really know me... they don't see the day to day stuff... so because I haven't collapsed into a screaming heap and gone to hide in a dark corner, rocking back and forth while swigging from the nearest bottle, that I have some tremendous source of strength, that I am indomitable.

I guess the other thing is that I have fought since Nicola was born. I have fought for her rights, I have fought for her care, I have fought for her services... but really, she is the one that has fought for her life.

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm coping, how I'm dealing with everything, and no matter what I reply with, there is the assumption that I am strong.

I am not strong.

I am a human. I am flawed, I am weak and I am deeply emotional.

I think the people who assume that I am strong don't see the 4 or more showers I take a day because with my head under the water no one can see my tears. I think the people who assume that I am strong aren't with me when I suddenly find myself faced with the fear that my future may not hold my child. I think the people who assume that I am strong see a facade, they don't see when my knees buckle and my heart breaks and the world just becomes too much and I don't want to do it any more.

Instead, they see when I pick myself up and force myself to smile and keep on going. They see me close my eyes and take a deep breath and take another step forward.

They see me laugh when I really want to cry, they see me keep going when I want to fall in a heap... and they think I am strong.

But I'm not...

And I guess that's alright.

New Tattoos

Skirt- H&M. Top- American Apparel. Belt- Vintage . Bag- Zara. Shoes - Zara

Hi Guys, I hope you've all had a good weekend!

I thought i'd show you all my two new tattoos that i got the other day, they're both written in Arabic and are phrases that mean something to me. Its my birthday on Tuesday and getting inked has kind of turned into a birthday tradition- its the only time i really seem to get round to it. The one my spine was rather painful but so worth it, i love both of them :)

Another reason for posting was this amazing skirt that i got from H&M. Ive been looking for a pleated leather skirt for a little while but none of them seemed to fit nicely but this one fits like a glove!

I got my last piece of Uni coursework handed in on Friday and i'm so so SO happy to have a little bit of time off before i get back on the dissertation. Plenty of blogging time :)

Ive also been thinking its about time i get a nice banner or something for my page because it looks awfully bare just now! Any suggestions?!

Nic

xxxxx

Gifts



Top- Topshop . Skirt- Zara . Bag- Zara . Shoes- Zara . Hat- Jack Wills . Necklace-Gift

 Hi Everyone,

The majority of what i am wearing here were Christmas gifts! Everything minus the skirt and hat :)
I got this bralet top from my friend Amanda, the statement necklace from my friend Eilidh and the bag and shoes from my dad (although he might have had a little help!) and i really really love them all!

Also I was going to ask! Im getting a bit bored with my hair and its faded a lot anyways. I cant decide whether to go back to blonde, or darker or just keep it them same?! what are your thoughts?! help meeee im so ruthless when it comes to my hair! p.s no one say a black perm because thats a no go.

Thank you for all the comments and e-mail on my last couple of posts. A lot of you were asking if you could find the ombre jumper online but i couldnt see it anywhere, i got mine in the store! Maybe they would send to your nearest store if you phoned up? Also mine is a size small but they all look pretty big! :) Hope this helps.
Nic
xxxxxx


 (p.p. s i forgot to say my bracelet is a yellow leather one of those things you got back in the 90's that you slapped on your wrist and it wraps itself round it. Its so much fun :) )

Ombre Jumper

Jumper- Vero Moda . Skirt- H&M. Bag- Zara . Shoes- Zara. Hat- Jack Wills

Hi friends!

Ive been living in this ombre jumper of late so of course i had to blog it to you guys! I highly recommend investing in one, its off the richter scale on the comfort front.

This bag was also an Xmas gift, i LOVE it and have been storing my life in it ever since!

Anyways, just a short but sweet post for you today as i have a deadline looming (tomorrow aaaahh) so really must get back to the books!

Hope you've all had a good weekend :)

Nic

xxxx

Someone Else...

You know those things that happen in life that happen to other people? Those awful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching things that just leave you feeling utterly lost and confused and wondering why it could possibly happen???

Those things that you never have to worry about, because they only happen to other people...

Well, those things seem to be happening a lot in my life lately.

I can't really explain it, but for some reason I guess I just had thought that with everything we have been dealing with with Nicola that the rest of my family would not have to suffer... after all, how much hurt and heartache can one family endure???

So last night I left my 3 year old daughter having her chemotherapy in Brisbane (with her Daddy, not alone!) so I could hold my sister's hand as she brought her precious baby boy into the world...

A baby who has been so loved and cherish, so longed for... a baby boy who was desperately wanted...

A baby boy who we were told two days ago had passed away in utero from unknown causes.

I can't explain how I feel except to say I am numb. I really, truly, genuinely believed that I would be the first, and only, in my family to bury a child... that my sister would be spared the heartache of loss... and this is just so senseless, so very meaningless.

If it were Nicola that had passed, at least it would be somewhat expected. She is a sick child, she has been unwell and medically fragile her entire life. She has cancer, she is battling odds higher than the tallest mountain... but this little boy, he didn't even have a chance to make it into the world.

He never drew a breath or smiled a smile... he never cried or laughed... but he is oh so very, very loved... and oh so very, very perfect.

This afternoon I stood and watched as this precious little boy was blessed by the Priest, and even though his words were meant to be comforting and reassuring, I found myself standing there thinking that I was right two days ago.

God is nothing but a vindictive prick who gets his kicks out of the misery and suffering of the many.

I know that I am supposed to hold fast to my beliefs, I am supposed to believe there is a reason behind everything and one day that reason will become clear...

But what possible reason is there for this to happen?

What reason is there to continually make a little girl suffer more and more??

What reason is there to take a much loved and wanted first born child from a mother and father who desperately wanted him and did everything right?

How is it fair that there are women out there who smoke, drink and do drugs through their entire pregnancy and give birth to normal, healthy babies, yet mothers like my sister, or even myself, who don't drink, don't do drugs, don't smoke and don't do anything wrong end up being penalized?

I know that there is so much more to it than that, but there shouldn't be. It should be simple. Good people should not have to deal with bad things. Good people should be blessed with happiness, not pain and heartache and suffering.

I guess today I am just feeling raw and emotional and so very very hurt and angry at the world in general...

But the world doesn't care...

The world still keeps turning...

clocks keep ticking...

people keep moving about, doing their own thing... completely oblivious.

Oblivious to the anger...

Oblivious to the pain...

Oblivious to the heartache...

After all...

Things like this don't happen to normal people...

They happen to 'someone else'.

New Year



Dress- ASOS . Belt- Vintage. Bag- Zara . Shoes- Zara .

 HI guys,

This is what i wore for New Years Eve! I had quite a quiet one and just went for a meal with family and friends then watched some fireworks and had a few cocktails . (When i say cocktails i mean jaeger bombs)

I was a bit apprehensive about wearing this dress to go and see some fireworks because i thought it would annoy me but it was actually ok! possibly due to the fact i spent most of it on my friend Eilidh's shoulders :)

My younger sister got me this vintage belt for Christmas, i love it so much! and as you can see im wearing those Zara shoes again!

I really love this yellow bag, i think yellow is going to be one of my favourites this season i cant get enough of it!

Hope you all had a good new year too !

Nic

xxxx

Beautiful Shoes

First and foremost, i can only apologise infinitely for my lack of posts this week, I'm drowning in uni work and ended up loosing almost an entire report the other day when my computer crashed- i know…i cried!

But at least this means i have loads of nice things saved up to show you !!

Including this pair of shoes that my dad bought me for Christmas:

I share these with great urgency as i have just gone onto their website to source these photographs and they are ON SALE. find them here!!
They are probably one of the comfiest pairs of shoes i've owned and ive barely taken them off my feet :)

I havent even had time to shop these past two weeks which is LUDICROUS because that's my all time favourite thing to do (not even online.. ! ). But dont worry i will be sharing many an outfit with you over the next couple of weeks as i have plenty to share.

I also thought i would let you all see an interview i did for an article for an online magazine written by Joanne McGillivary which you can find HERE. I thought it was pretty cool! (p.s im on p.38)

Love

Nic
xxxx

2012 - A New Year.

Well.. we are three days into the new year, and so far, I must say, I'm not really all that impressed.

New Years Day Nicola was so unsettled and miserable that none of us got any sleep. Her breathing is just absolutely awful at the moment, so much so that people coming to my house generally get quite shocked when they hear her. She sounds like she is constantly struggling to breath, her stridor is awful!

The leading theory is that she has vocal cord paralysis from one of the chemo drugs, which is affecting her breathing, her swallowing and her voice.

Her pain is finally under control, or at least, we think so. She still has some moments where she is really unsettled but they are fewer and further between now... but, then again she is on enough drugs to knock an elephant on it's backside, so I'm not really all that surprised.

It's hard to believe that we are now two months into our journey. We are very nearly at the first restage. On the 30th we fly to Brisbane for the MRI to be done to tell us what is happening with the tumor and if the chemo is working.

Looking back, I suspected the tumor before anyone else. I read too much into something her pediatrician said and I went home with the sinking feeling that they were going to find a tumor... and it turned out I was right... but that premonition or whatever it was gave me time to dwell on the news before it was even given to us, a chance to gather some strength before we were thrown into chaos, and I think that was partly what got me through, the fact that I wasn't totally taken by surprise...

But now, in the lead up to her first restage, I have this sickening feeling that they are going to tell me that the chemo isn't as effective as they had hoped. I so want to be wrong, I really do... but I just have this sinking sickening feeling that they are going to deliver another devastating blow and I'm not sure I'm up to it.

In the past three years I've gotten pretty good at hiding my emotions. I've become very adept at hiding what's really going on... put on a brave face, smile and pretend that everything is ok, but over the last two months it's gotten harder and harder.

I keep having what my husband calls 'moments'.

I will be doing something completely mundane and normal and all of a sudden these thoughts will creep into my mind, and I will find myself wondering about the future... and all the things that she may not get to do, and that thought just hurts so much.

Since she was born I've mourned the loss of such a huge portion of her life... but it was never like this. This is like a great big black cloud that just hovers over me, and at the most random of moments lightening will strike and the storm starts to rumble and it's so hard to not just fall to pieces.

There is so much happening it's hard to know what to think and how to feel, it's hard to find a way to balance everything and keep it all in check, but we will have to.

Not for ourselves, not even for our other children, but for Nicola. If she has the strength to keep going, we can't give up.

This is 2012... this is a new start, a new year...

This is Nicola's year.

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

I am so very glad to see the end of you. I am glad that you are finally over. You are a year that has just dragged and dragged and gone from bad to worse to utterly horrific.

At the start of this year we sat down with our therapists and wrote our goals for the year. They weren't extensive, but they were the goals that we had been working on, and this year was supposed to be our year.

We saw progress, we saw incremental gains and improvements, we saw her finally start enjoying her therapy and being able to disassociate from the medical extremes and focus on the enjoyment that came from the little bits that we saw...

But no, you couldn't just give us that could you? You had to toy with our minds a bit, play a few little games... and f*** with our emotions.

First the subdural hematoma, then the surgery for her tonsils and adnoids... the behavioural problems, the underlaying pain management that we've never been able to control, the feeding issues, the breathing issues, the neuro issues... then when we finally thought we were good to go, we were given the news that her heart was getting worse.

Given the extensive nature of her heart problems we had thought that that was going to be the worst thing that we were dealing with, everything else was getting better... but no...

Then you had to go and deliver one last blow didn't you... you couldn't just disappear silently and let us move on and deal with everything else, you had to go just that one step further...

Cancer... You had to deliver the most final blow you could... you gave my daughter cancer.

I have gone through so many emotions this year, I have been up and down, I have been twisted around, I have been turned inside out, and I am still standing... I don't know how, I don't know why, but I'm still standing... And now it's over.

You're gone, over, finished... you will NEVER return again...

So, 2011... I have two words for you.

F*** YOU!

Sincerely,
Me.