A Few More Hours...

Christmas has come and gone...  It just didn't seem real, it didn't seem right.  

Christmas eve was hard.  Normally I would have you sitting up with me while I wrapped the presents from Santa.   I would curse while trying to wrap awkwardly shaped gifts, and you would laugh your little laugh and try and wrap your self...

Yet this year, Christmas eve, there was a gaping silence that should have been filled by you, and it hurt.

It hurt so, so, so very much, and it just wasn't right.

Christmas Day...  well...  we went through the motions.  We got up, we opened presents, we laughed, we had breakfast, we had lunch, we watched the girls play with their toys, but all the while I was acutely aware that you were not here.

That was probably exacerbated by the fact that a family member bought The Wiggles Christmas CD up and spent most of the day demanding that we listen to it.  As lucky as he was that the fry pan was actually in use so I couldn't hit him upside the head with it (and I know how much that would have made you laugh!) it hurt to have constant reminders around about how much of a gap you have left in our lives.

Now it is New Years Eve...

In less than two hours it will be 2013...

And to be honest, that thought just utterly terrifies me.

It shouldn't, I know that...  God knows, this year has been hell on Earth.  There have been some highlights, like the amazing friends we have had come into our lives, and the incredible trip to Disneyland, seeing the snow and the excitement on your face as you tobogganed down the slopes with your Daddy and all the other things that we did together as a family...  

But this year we also said goodbye to Baby Krist before we got a chance to really meet him.  We watched as you endured one horrible chemo session after another, as your pain intensified and your body weakened, as the horrible cancer took it's toll on your body...  and we watched as you faded away before us.  We said goodbye to you...  

And that was single handedly the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.  

But, still, at least for most of 2012 I had you here.  Even with the chemo and the pain and the suffering and everything else, I had you here.  I could hold you, I could cuddle you, I could talk to you...  but now you're gone.

And that is why the thought of facing 2013 is so painful.

The thought of a whole year without you in my life is just horrific. 

The fact that it is the first of many just fills my heart with so much hurt.  

2013 is going to be bringing change...  and I don't want to face that.

But regardless of whether I want to face it or not, it is coming... in just a matter of hours.

And, just like everything else that has happened in the last 12 months, I can't stop it.  I can't change it.  Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it...

In a way, it feels like I am saying goodbye all over again...  


And I don't like that...

Not one little bit.

Missguided

Jacket- c/o Missguided. Shorts.c/o Missguided. Top-c/o Lavish Alice. Bag- c/o MarcB. Shoes- c/o Choies. 

Shop the look:

Shorts- c/o Missguided. Top- c/o Lavish Alice. Shoes- Converse. Bag- ASOS. 

Shop the look: 

Hello everyone, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas! We had an orphans day at one of my friend's houses in Melbourne with lots of food, drinks, sun, moustaches and some really bad singing to all the best Christmas songs.

Here are a few of my favourite items from Missguided just now. They have so many cool jackets just now and their shorts fit really well so I have a few more on my wish list! I'm so glad that they deliver to aus :)

Ive been wearing this lace crop from Lavish Alice quite a lot recently too, its great for layering or wearing on those super hot days over a bikini. They have lots of pretty things on their website right now too so be sure to check it out :)

Happy Thursday guys!

Nic
xxxx

August Street

Dress- c/o August Street at LoveOfEos. Gilet- Cotton. Bag- ASOS. Shoes- Choies.

Heyy Guys,

How pretty is this dress by August Street at LoveOfEos? I love the tapestry/baroque print and how lightweight and elegantly the fabric sits. Im really into shift dresses right now, especially the athletic side cut of this one. I've belted this one up so that it sits on me better as Im a little bit on the petite side but it looks cool unbelted too with a pair of heels!

Im starting to really look forward to Christmas now! Only 6 more days to go :) I just hope my cards and presents make it back to the UK on time.. the lady in the post office said no but I think she was just being a bit of a pessimist!

Happy Tuesday everyone :)

Nic

xxx

Aztec Sleeves

Jacket- c/oMaryJaneFashion. Top- c/o Loveofeos. Shorts-c/o Missguided. Bag- ASOS. Shoes-c/o Choies. 

Hey Everyone,

Hope you've all had a good weekend. Mine generally consisted of wearing this jacket whenever I possibly could even though it wasn't jacket appropriate weather, it just makes me feel all Christmassy! I hadn't actually heard of MaryJaneFashion before I received this jacket but Im glad Ive been introduced to them now, they have some really cool pieces ! Check out their site here.

These shorts from Missguided are my go-to shorts just now, I love them! Id been looking for a pair of high waisted dark distressed denim shorts for ages and these are perfect. They fit so well and are really reasonably priced too, Im going to have to stock up on some more styles for summer :).

AND last but not least the fashion company that I work as a stylist for have now officially launched their website, They are called The Wild One and you can find them heeeere :) and the good news is they ship worldwide! Happy shopping.

Nic

xxx

Shearling and Cobalt

Sleeveless Shearling Jacket- c/o Topshop. T-shirt- Topshop  Leigh Jeans- Topshop. Shoes- ZARA. Bag- ASOS. Sunglasses- ZeroUV

Hey Guys,

I've been dying to show you this shearling sleeveless jacket I picked out from Topshop the other week, I wear it aaall the time! Its great for just throwing on when the weathers feeling a bit changeable for some extra warmth or for layering over jumpers in slightly colder conditions.

I'm wearing my Topshop Leigh jeans agaaaain, I love wearing these guys so much. I am yet to find a comfier or better fitting pair of jeans, I think i'm on my third pair!

I really like the effect that cobalt blue has on a black outfit, its always so striking and just gives an outfit a bit of a pop :)

Hope you've all been having a good week, I cant believe how close we are to Christmas  It just seems to sneak up on you here in Australia!

Nic

xxx

Wine Tie Dye Maxi Dress

Dress- c/o inlovewithfashion. Necklace- Topshop. Shoes- ASOS. Bag- ASOS.

Hello Everyone,

How amazing is this maxi from In Love with Fashion? I love how the grape/wine tones give it a bit of a wintery look but at the same time this dress would look great in summer. Love currently stock this maxi in three different cuts which are all equally amazing so you should definitely check them out!

Im also in love with these ASOS Salute wedges too, they're the closest I can get to the Alexander Wang Danica shoes right now, and the thin wedge at the back makes them super comfy.

The fashion company I'm styling for just now are officially launching their website tomorrow at 12pm Australia time which is very exciting! It will be a busy busy day but I cant wait for it :) I will of course dedicate a blog post to some of the behind the scenes action and link you guys back to their site, luckily for everyone in the UK they do international shipping too!

 And one more thing! Love are offering readers of Nicola Claire 25% off full priced items until 1/1/13 with the code: NKIRKBRIDE25. Happy Christmas Shopping everyone!

Nic
xxx

Moto Western Shirt

 

Shirt- c/o Topshop. Vest- Topshop. Shorts c/o - Topshop. Bag- c/o MarcB. Shoes- c/o Choies. Sunglasses-c/o ZeroUV 

Hey guys! I hope youve all been having a nice weekend.

 

 Im absolutely loving this studded Western shirt that I received in the post the other week courtesy of Topshop, I saw it in their Autumn Winter look book and have been after it ever since!  Ive been wearing it far too much but I just cant help it! There are so many good things in our Melbourne Topshop store right now, I just want to go on a crazy spree every time I go in.

 

I cant believe how light my hair has gotten just from the sun, its crazy how strong it is in Australia -on sunny days you really feel the heat!

 

I seem to have developed a bit of a uniform these days which includes these amaaaazing shoes from Choies and this tote from Marc B. I do love a good staple item!

 

 

Happy Saturday :)

 

Nic

xxx

 

Burgundy and Black

Jumper-c/o Missguided. Disco Pants- c/o Topshop. Bag- c/o Marc B. Shoes- Zomp. Hat- Cotton On.

Hey Everyone,

Hope you've been having a lovely festive week! I always love a bit of Burgundy during the festive season and have been throwing on this waffle knit number from Missguided a lot lately! I love their stuff, so on trend and so reasonably priced! They are definitely one of my go-to brands at the moment!

I also needed to show you Topshop's take on the infamous Disco Pant, Ive always been a bit apprehensive of tributes of "the real deal" but I trust Topshop whole heartily so I knew investing in these wouldnt be a mistake and I wasnt wrong!

Many more pretty things up and coming on the blog this month :) Plus I will be able to send you the web link to the brand i've been styling for very very soon...keep your peekers peeled!

Nic

xxx

I thought of you today...

I thought of you today...

I know I think of you every day, but today it just seems that you've been especially on my mind.

Yesterday was hard.  We went to the Camp Quality Mad Hatters Tea Party...  and I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't suspect it to slap me in the face quite as hard as it did.

They have a puppet that looks just like you.  The puppet sat next to me talking to the girls...  and all I could think of was you.

It was so hard not to cry and run away.

And today...

I don't know what it is...  I think today is just a day that you've been on all our minds.

Isabella has been asking lots of questions about you.  She keeps telling me that she knows that she has you inside her heart, but she wants you on the outside as well.

Every time she says it I feel another stab of pain in my heart, because I know that I want you on the outside too.

Everything now seems to remind me of you.

We set our Christmas tree up yesterday.  We had contemplated getting another one, and then I realised that the tree we have now is the only tree you have ever seen.

We bought it the first Christmas we had you in our lives.  It has been decorated every year with so much love.  Even now, I look at it and it makes my heart hurt for you.

We still have the same tinsel that you loved running your fingers through.  You laughed so much every time you touched it.  It was so tickly on your little hands and fingers.

We got rid of a lot of the decorations that we used to have...  but if I had known that we would no longer have you, I would have kept them.  There were so many memories...  but now, looking at my tree...

There is a crown that was given to us to hang on our tree as a reminder of the princess that you were.

A cupcake, to remind us of how much you loved your food, especially your cakes.

Birds, for your freedom and your love of music.

A beautiful bauble that we bought back from Disneyland...  to remind us of our happiest days on Earth...

It is a tree that has seen better days...  it is slowly falling apart, branch by branch...  and it has seen more than it's $25 share of life...  

But it is a tree that is so full of love.

Everything in our lives seems to be filled with so much love...  just not with you.

And we miss you.

So very much it hurts.

White

Trousers- Zara. T-shirt-H&M. Necklace- Cotton On . Bag- ASOS. Shoes- c/o Choies. Hat - Cotton On

Hey Guys.

I cannot stop wearing these boots, they are amaaazing. They are my absolute favourites right now, they seem to go with everything!!

 Since its started to get super hot here ive been wearing a lot more white. We had a 38 degree day yesterday which was insane! I need to man up before it gets that hot again, im not used to it!

Im off to Stereosonic festival tomorrow which i cannot wait for, i will have to get some blog snaps of my outfit before i head off!

Hope youve all had a good week too :)

Nic
xxxx

One Month Ago Today...

Well... here we are...  facing the first of what is going to be many...  Today is the first month anniversary of your passing.

One month ago today you gained your angel wings.

I still don't understand.  I don't see why it had to be you.  Why my daughter?  Why my precious princess?

There are nearly 4oo children a year that are diagnosed with cancer in Australia.  Why couldn't it have been one of them?

I feel so angry...  I feel angry because we fought so hard. 

I fought when no one else had the faith in you.

I fought when no one else had the strength to do it.

I fought even though I was tired and I had had enough...

I fought through everything, we endured so much pain, so much heartache...  and for what?

We were beaten at the end by something we just simply couldn't fight.

I feel angry that I had to say goodbye... 

It seems like we have have a month of hurt.  Every time we start to get up from one blow, another one comes down again.  

Just 2 days after we lost you we had to start giving up your stuff.

Then we had your service...  and then 3 days later you came home to us... 

Only instead of holding your soft warm body in my arms and playing with you, all I could do was to cradle a cold ceramic urn. 

We created a special place for you, with all your favourite things...  but it's just a shelf, in your bedroom.  It's not the same as having you here with us.

We still have your airconditioner running.  I know that sooner or later we are going to have to turn it off, but I just can't bring myself to yet.  That is your room.  Your room is always cold.

Slowly, it seems that every day since has delivered another little blow.

Just lots of little things, things that I know are innocent occasions and should be so simple... but they hurt so so so much.

Isabella had her prep orientation...  and I walked into her new classroom and all I could think was that I would never get to do this with you.  You never got your first day at school.

Jessica and Isabella had their dance recital, and as much as I loved sitting there watching them dance, there were some beautiful tiny dancers there, and it just made me think that we would never get to do that with you.

There are constant reminders everywhere, every day, that you are no longer with us.

Even in little things, like jumping into the car and going shopping at lunch time.  We haven't done that in so long because you always had your daytime naps.  We could never keep you away from your naps, you needed them.  

Last week I picked up our Christmas Laybuys and I had to take your toys out and return them.  It hurt me so much.  We had planned a HUGE Christmas which is why I've been paying for it since June... but I put so much time into chosing the most perfect toys for you... and then I had to return them.  It just isn't fair.

Alyssa has developed a love of The Wiggles singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  She plays it over and over again.  She sits in the car and starts singing...  and I can't help but wonder if maybe she's looking for you to sing with you.  You were the one that taught her that song, that was your song.

Even little things...  I will grab a dress out of the cupboard to put on Alyssa, and then at any random time during the day I will look at her, and suddenly I will remember you wearing that dress...  and it just hurts so very much.

All I have left of you are memories...  but it just doesn't feel like they can make me happy.

Each memory makes me cry...  makes my heart hurt and makes me want to be able to have you back, to hold you, cuddle you, sing to you...  to see you smile...  and to see that look in your eyes, that look that told me that you loved me.

Your toy box is sitting here unused.  

Tomorrow they are coming to take away your wheelchair and your bath seat...  and I know that it is only a very short time before we have to hand over your beloved Giraffe chair...

It feels like slowly every thing we have of yours is going away...  and I don't like it.

You have been so much a part of our lives...  you have been so integral in everything we have done over the past 4 years...  and now it's all gone.

I feel so lost...  I feel so sad...  I feel so alone...  and I just feel heartbroken.  I wake up each morning and I go through the motions.  I laugh when I think I'm supposed to and I talk when I think I'm expected to respond.  I cook, I clean, I do the school run.  I avoid talking to most everyone because it's just too much...  but I do what I need to to get through every day... 

But all around me, all I see is everyone is going about their lives, their worlds are still turning, they are still smiling and laughing...

One month ago today my world stopped.

And I really don't know when it will start turning again.

Baroque Swing Dress

Dress- ASOS. Waistcoat- ASOS. Necklace- Diva. Shoes-c/o Choies. Hat-ASOS. Sunglasses- c/o ZeroUV

 Hey Guys,

Hope you all had a good weekend! I had the most amazing time on the beaches of Torquay learning how to surf, it was one of theee best weekends Ive had here so far. I cant wait to go back :)

 Ive been dying to show you these boots I got from Choies last week, they have the most amazing shoes on that site I just want them all! They also have an amazing sale on just now so definitely check them out heeere.

Im also loving this baroque print swing dress that I got from ASOS! Although I have now found one down side of living in Australia... ASOS delivery is no where near as prompt! and the post offices arent open at the weekend so if you're working all week and you miss a delivery you're screwed! Its taken me like two weeks to get hold of this one.

So Ive just started my job as a stylist this week and got a sneak peak of the collection today, its safe to say that its amazing! I predict big things :). The company is called The Wild One and they will be launching their website in the next couple of weeks but for now you can check out their facebook page here.

Enjoy :)

Nic

xxx

Passion Pit

Top- Passion Pit Gig. Jeans- AllSaints. Bag-c/o Marc B. Shoes- Sportsgirl

 

Hello Everybody.

Three things to show you today! Firstly this amazing bucket bag from Marc B 
 that I have been wearing constantly since it arrived. Nothing beats a sizeable, black, fit-your-life-in-it, over the shoulder bag and this is one of the finest of the finest.

Ive also been wearing this Passion Pit band t-shirt a lot lately too, I picked it up at a festival called Park Life in Melbourne. Im a big fan of their music so with that as well as loving the design I was almost obliged to buy a little souvenir (which of course experienced a sleeve cut off as soon as i got home ).

And last but not least these amaaaazing shoes I got from Sportsgirl the other day, they are my new favourites!! I think these will be my go-to shoes for a little while now :)

The weather in Melbourne is going to be amazing this weekend so a big group of us have rented a beach cabin in Torquay right next to Bells Beach for a weekend of sun, sea, sand and a first attempt at surfing! Ahhhhh wish me luck.

Nic
xxxx

Uncertain.

This is probably the hardest blog entry I have ever written.

Normally, when I write, the words just flow.  Once they start, I can't stop them.  My thoughts, my feelings, my fears, everything just comes tumbling out to form some kind of a textual jumble on these pages.  

Now, I fear that my words have become hesitant...  simply because I doubt my own abilities...  perhaps even my own desires?

Three weeks, five days and 8 hours ago, give or take, my whole world was fracture...  not just fractured.. but shattered.

My daughter, my precious, beloved daughter passed away from cancer.  She was 4 years old.   

The day after her funeral, I found myself being accused of what can be surmised as 'pimping her out for publicity'.  

The primary charge was because her death was in the paper twice within a week.  

Apparently I was selling her out, cashing in on her suffering, and making parents of 'normal' children feel bad.

I have to say here, I really don't truly understand...  but regardless, I was so very, very deeply hurt by the accusations.

The fact that they came via a family member was perhaps even more hurtful...

But ever since, now I find myself in the unusual position where even though I want to write, I am so filled with thoughts and emotions and fears and just general moments that I feel compelled to share...  I now find myself second guessing everything.

I find that now, fear of writing is slowly crowding out my desire to record everything, to write it down and store it for later?

To be honest, right now, I really don't know.

I love to write, and it has been my writing that has gotten me through this so far, but is it fair that I continue if that writing is upsetting others?

I don't know...  I really don't know...

In the midsts of everything else, the one thing I have always held fast to, my writing, is no longer comfort.  Instead I am questioning whether or not I should.

Really, I guess, now, I just don't know which way to go any more.

I simply just don't know.

Sequin Biker

Jacket- c/o Lashes of London. Shorts- Oasap. Shirt- Topshop. Bag- Zara. Necklace- Topshop. Shoes- Sam Edleman

 Hello Everyone!

How amazing is this sequin biker jacket I got from Lashes of London?! I absolutely love IT, perfect for almost any occasion. I'm quite knew to Lashes of London but they have some really really cool pieces so definitely check them out!

Its been a pretty exciting and hectic weekend, I spent Saturday at South Melbourne market checking out all the pretty haberdashery and vintage and then Sunday at the Spanish festival in Fitzroy having lots of paella and sangria!  It was such a good day.

I also got the exciting news that Ive secured a job as a stylist so that was  a VERY good day, more about that to come though!

Hope you had a good weekend too.

Nic
xxx

THINGS I WANT

Jumper- Browns. Bag- Antik Batik. Shorts-ShopBop. T-shirt- Illustrated People. Shoes-Topshop. T-shirt-Tee and Cake. Hat- Club Monaco. Boots- Topshop. 

I really really want all of the items above and I really want to wear them all at once!  So many pretty things...

Although its coming into summer here in Australia, part of me still wants to be wearing hats and jumpers for Christmas :( I have bad circulation and im freeezing most of the time, so maybe i'll still be able to!

Happy Friday everyone, hope you have a good one!

Nic
xxxx

Fluro Jumper

Jumper- CottonOn. Shorts-H&M. Necklace- Topshop. Shoes- Topshop. Bag- Zara

Hello Everyone,

I hope you had a good weekend!

Here is one of my outfits from the weekend :) I love this Fluro jumper, Neon Yellow is a colour im still really enjoying wearing. I really like that its a nice and lightweight fabric so sits well tucked into shorts or jeans.

Some drunk guy actually told me I looked like I was ''fresh off the Catwalk'' which I took as a compliment until he added ''because you walk like a cat!'' haha Im definitely stealing that one.

I just wanted to say as well, thank you for all of your comments lately they mean a lot :)


Happy Monday everyone!

Nic

xxx

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Lion Leotard

Leotard- ASOS. Shorts- Levis. Bag- Zara. Shoes- ASOS. Beanie- ASOS

Hello Everyone!!

Im back again after a hectic week/weekend of celebrating the races in Melbourne :) I went to Derby day on Saturday and despite not seeing a single horse I had an amazing time. Its pretty non-stop most of this week with celebrations!

Sorry that its another summery outfit but I needed to bring this leotard and these trainers to your attention! I love the chunky sole of the trainers they look really cool in all black too (Ive linked them below).

Hope everyone's had a good Halloween and things! I feel like I really missed out on Bonfire night this year. They dont celebrate the date here in Australia and theyre definitely not as big on Halloween either, I cant complain though as there are plenty of other cultural celebration going ons!

Happy Wednesday everyone,

Nic

xxx

And Now You're Gone.

It's been a week.

How can a whole week pass without you here?

The world is still turning, people are still going about their lives and doing trivial and menial things...  yet my world has been turned upside down and inside out and ripped apart...  and I just don't understand.

A week ago I gave you your morning medications.  You looked up at me from bed, you smiled sleepily and you played your cheeky goosy girl game...  I kissed you, I told you I loved you and I tucked you in again and let you go back to sleep.

You were tired...  my poor baby girl, you were so very very tired... 

And you did go back to sleep...  and that was it...  then our world ended.

I don't know, I feel so lost.  Everything we have done for the past four years...  every decision, every thought, every action, you have always been the central point for focus.  Even when decisions have been made for someone else, you were our deciding factor.

And now you're gone.

And we are just lost.

Yesterday we held your memorial service.  It was beautiful, it was really beautiful.  There were over 100 people that came, and everyone that was there was there because they love you.

There were reporters there from the Bulletin to write about the tribute for a lost little Princess.

We played a dvd from The Wiggles, a personal DVD that they made just for you.  They love you too.

We showed photos of you, a photo tribute to your life and how much you had achieved...  and in every photo you were smiling, you were bright and you were happy...  and you were oh, so very, very cheeky!

And then, when the service was all over, we went out and we released balloons.  100 purple, pink and white helium filled balloons, 12 Dora balloons and one Wiggles balloon that came just from The Wiggles.

Baby girl, it was so beautiful.  Everyone cried, and everyone told me that they had never seen a service that was so full of love. 

There has been so much love for you, so much love from all around the world.

But that is exactly as it should be. 

My house has been filled with the most beautiful fresh flowers...  orchids, lillies, roses, carnations...  so many colours, so many beautiful smells...  so many flowers that are fragile and precious and exceptionally gorgeous, just like you.

You may have only been 4 years old, but you were incredible.  You have lived a life well beyond your little years and you have seen so many dreams come true.  

You have humbled people, shown them love and kindness, shown them the meaning of bravery and courage.  You have taught people what life SHOULD be about.  

You have been an inspiration...  you have been a light of hope...  you have been an expression of love.

And now you're gone.

You are going to be so very missed...

You ARE so very missed.

Black and Blue

Jacket- Topman. Vest- Topshop. Skirt- Blackmillk. Bag- Zara, Necklace. Urban Outfitters. Shoes- Topshop.

Hey guys!

Its been a little while since I've blogged my Black Milk Cathedral skirt but as soon as I picked up this Topman Denim jacket last week I knew they'd go perfectly. I love to pair dressier items with more casual ones, I like a good balance!

 Im still as in love with this skirt as the day I first got it, I was sold out for ages on the Black Milk website and I had loads of people offering to buy it from me but fortunately Black Milk now have it back in stock so hurry hurry if your dont want to miss out again!!

I have the races coming up this weekend in Melbourne which should be a really good day, I did a bit of a last minute/unorganised ASOS order last night so fingers and toes crossed it comes in time! I will try and get some photos for you guys before I go too!

I also wanted to point you in the direction of a really good Scottish band that have just released their début single, If you like a bit of dance/electro you definitely need to check them out! You can have a listen here. They have some other really good songs too!

Hope youve all been having a good week so far :)

Nic

xxx

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